Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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