Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
