wakey wakey hands off snakey
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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