He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
