Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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