your parents love me but you hate me
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
