Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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