Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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