mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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