Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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