Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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