Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
