im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
