Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
