I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
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I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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