I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
