I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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