Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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