how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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