I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
