lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
