My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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