Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
