that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
