life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dicks are not precious.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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