the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
