i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
