Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
