I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
