Need sex. Gaining weight.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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