..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
