Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
