I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
