You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
