did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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