The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We are all done wearing pants today
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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