This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
