my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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