her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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