he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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