I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
