Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
