I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
