for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
