The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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