i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
