They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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