i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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