I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
