how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
