lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
